Those moments. You know the ones. Where your brain tries to guard you from past situations or traumas. Almost like you forgot about the past. Almost. But it never truly lets you get away from it scot-free. Oh no, those memories? They pop up when you least expect it, or when you have to deal with situations that put you right in the thick of it.
Taking a walk down memory lane isn’t always a choice we get to make. For instance, recently, my ex-mother-in-law passed and went to heaven. What a beautiful soul. Gosh, she was full of fire. She never turned her back on me, even when she had every reason to be upset. Now, don’t hear me wrong. She would for sure let me know when she was mad by pointing her finger in my face and telling me how the cow ate the cabbage. And 100% of the time, I never snapped back at her. I listened, even if I disagreed, because I had full respect for her.
Losing her has left an empty hole in our entire family. Losing someone with that much presence will do that. She was there for me all my life. When I grew up, she was my second mom, the one who believed in me, loved me, supported me, and even disciplined me in her own way. And I was always okay with that. I grew up in a home that was very dysfunctional, but somehow she made everything seem normal. Not only did she love me, but she also loved my sisters, and trust me, we were all starving for affection.
Hold Onto the Memories
Yesterday, my daughters and I drove up to her house to meet with Dad and box up all the years of photos so they could be distributed to the kids. To say this was hard is an understatement.
Looking through those pictures of a life I used to live, a life I used to have, a life built with two daughters and one son, it cracked something open in me. These kids? They are my life. And they’ll never know what it’s like to grow up starved for love, support, or constant reassurance that they’re worthy of it.
Seeing their little faces in those photos brought back every moment. I remembered what was happening in each one. We were just two kids trying to raise three babies. We didn’t have the right tools. And as Gen X parents, we were raised with that “suck it up and get it together” mentality. We didn’t know how to deal with trauma. We didn’t even have the language for it.
Sometimes I wonder what life might’ve looked like for our kids if we had the tools. But even without them, they’re thriving now: healthy, smart, bonded in a way I could only dream of, living their best lives. I couldn’t ask for more.
But going through photos is hard. Realizing those moments won’t ever come around again is one of the hardest parts. Imagining myself back there, there’s grief, there’s regret, but above all, there’s love. And the memories of love outweigh the negative emotions.
The wild thing about life is, we can’t turn back time. No matter how much you want to. And that truth? It’s sobering.
Here I am, 51, trying to forget so much of the past because it hurts to remember. The last time you tie a little shoe. The last time you carry them to bed. The last time they pull out of the driveway for prom. The last time they wake up in your house..
I didn’t realize it all really ends at some point.
I’m not sure why I’m always afraid to unpack the past. But this time, taking a walk down memory lane felt good. Healing, even. It reminded me of the joy, the laughter, the real time we spent together.
Even as we were going through all of the photos together, there was a lot of laughter and an agreed understanding that we were doing this arm in arm, just like we always have. I appreciate my grown babies so much. They may never even realize how deep rooted my love is for them.
If you’re like me and tend to struggle with past pain, guilt, and shame, I get it. I see you. And I agree, it can be so hard.
But maybe, if we shift how we look at it, maybe it can carry us instead of crush us.
Yes, this life moves fast. Yes, we don’t fully understand that until it’s already passing by. But it was and still is beautiful. It’s grand. It did happen to us and it is happening for us.
Two things can be true:
It can be hard to look back,
And It can also set you free.
So today, I hope you see your past with a set of fresh eyes. Hold onto those special memories. Let hope shine its light on it. Let it bring peace. Let it stir up joy. Remember the good times. The laughter. The baby giggles echoing through a house that once felt too loud but now feels a little too quiet.
Hold onto the thought that you did the best you could with the tools you were given, and remember you tried your best. That’s all you can do. You are enough.
Something I want to leave you with:
Even the hard parts held magic.
Always hold onto the magic.
