Growing up I never really had the opportunity to think about my mental health. In the 80s when you talked about your feelings you were considered weak. It was a taboo. If you were suffering from a mental situation, you had to bury it deep down inside or just, ‘suck it up’. But as the years went on, our country really started paying attention to mental health and what that means for humans in general.
Raising my own babies, I never acknowledged their mental health wellbeing or what they were struggling with because that’s just not how we did it back in my day. ADHD wasn’t even a thing. And let’s not even talk about ‘being on the spectrum.’ I mean what even was that? Back then, the idea of protecting your peace wasn’t even on the radar. You just survived, pushed through, and hoped for the best. I spent years not really understanding who I was or what I wanted. If you’ve ever felt that way too, I don’t know what to do with my life might resonate with you.
I was always that mom who wanted her kids to act like angels while out in public, to make me look like a good mom. I mean that’s how my mom did it. When we went to the store, it was single file line and don’t you dare ask me for anything. Kids were to be seen and not heard. That’s why we always had the kids table at family gatherings. I completely disregarded the fact that my own children might have been struggling socially or that loud noises might have caused them to feel over-stimulated.
But today? Words like ‘regulation,’ ‘over-stimulated,’ ‘gaslighting,’ ‘self-care,’ ‘boundaries,’ are used in common circles. People know what they are and for good reason. We need to be aware when we are over-stimulated. The reason is simple: If you are over-stimulated you can snap at people and behave erratically. And for no good reason. Someone might not understand why you’re so emotional or behaving like you are and you might not really even be able to explain it. You just know you are done. You are past your limits. And you snap.
I’m so thankful for modern mental health wellness awareness. I now know that my daughter who would freak out because her socks weren’t on straight had ADHD. I know that she wasn’t just being defiant, she literally had too much energy in her little body and no amount of yelling or screaming would help the situation. If anything, it made her feel like she was bad or always in trouble. But today we have tools to deal with our big emotions and things that can help whichever situation you are experiencing at the time.
One of the biggest issues for me is I didn’t have healthy boundaries. Well, I do now. But it hasn’t always been that way. Boundaries weren’t even a thing when I was young. Unless it came to the kids, kids always had boundaries with adults. (Even though I don’t believe this anymore).
What I’ve learned over the years is that it’s okay to take a deep rest. It’s okay to take a moment and really think about your intentions or what it is that you want out of your life. You don’t always have to say yes to everything and everyone. You honestly don’t owe anyone anything. Protecting your peace means protecting your mental health, and sometimes that’s just saying, ‘no.’
There was a time in my life where no would cause an argument or a fallout. And bad things would happen. When I was young, no wasn’t an option and I just carried that with me as an adult. As I aged however, I’ve realized that saying no makes me feel stronger, and more liberated. I get to make the best decisions for myself that will protect my peace. Listen, life is too short to only please others. Learning to set boundaries has been part of my journey of rising again after feeling like a complete failure. Here’s the truth that helped me rise again.
Now, I’m not saying to be selfish or tell others to pound sand, I’m just saying that when you feel yourself skating on thin ice and about to break? Make boundaries for yourself. Communicate your boundaries and make sure not to let anyone, or yourself, cross them. In doing so, you protect your peace.
You are enough. You don’t always have to give of yourself emotionally, physically or spiritually to anyone else if you aren’t feeling it.
Protecting Your Peace: Here are some ways you can create healthy boundaries
Learn What You Need (And What You Don’t)
You can’t set boundaries if you don’t know what drains you versus what fills you up. Pay attention to how you feel after spending time with certain people or doing certain activities. If something consistently leaves you exhausted or resentful, that’s your body telling you it’s not working. Listen to it.
Say What You Mean
People aren’t mind readers, and expecting them to just “know” what you need is setting everyone up for failure. If you need alone time, say it. If you can’t take on another project, speak up. Clear communication isn’t rude, it’s respectful to everyone involved.
“No” Is a Complete Sentence
This one’s hard, especially if you grew up being taught that saying no makes you selfish. But here’s the truth: you don’t owe anyone an explanation for protecting your time and energy. “No, I can’t do that” is enough. You don’t need to justify it with excuses or apologies.
Respect Goes Both Ways
Setting boundaries means honoring your own feelings and limits, but it also means respecting when others do the same. If someone tells you no, don’t push. If someone needs space, give it to them. Healthy boundaries work when everyone plays by the same rules.
Own Your Emotions (Not Everyone Else’s)
You’re responsible for how you feel and how you react, but you’re not responsible for managing everyone else’s emotions. If someone gets upset because you set a boundary, that’s their feeling to work through, not yours to fix. You can be kind and still hold firm.
Keep Something Just for You
Whether it’s a hobby, a quiet morning routine, or just time to sit and think, protect space that’s yours alone. You’re not just a mom, a wife, an employee, or a friend. You’re a whole person with your own interests and needs. Don’t lose yourself trying to be everything to everyone. As our kids grow up and leave, it’s easy to feel invisible or forgotten. But the shift no one talks about as you age is that you finally get to rediscover yourself.
What Healthy Boundaries Look Like in Real Life
With Your Emotions:
You can care about someone without taking on their problems as your own. If a friend is going through something hard, you can listen and support them without letting their stress become yours. You’re allowed to step back when someone’s negativity starts affecting your own peace.
With Your Body and Space:
You get to decide who touches you, when, and how. You don’t owe anyone a hug, and you’re allowed to keep your phone, your social media, and your personal space private. If something feels invasive, it probably is.
With Your Time:
Your time off is yours. If work emails after 6pm stress you out, you don’t have to answer them. If you need a Saturday to yourself instead of going to another event, take it. Saying “I’m not available” isn’t selfish, it’s self-preservation.
With Your Voice:
If someone crosses a line, you can address it directly with them instead of venting to everyone else. You’re allowed to leave conversations or situations that make you uncomfortable. And if someone punishes you for speaking up? That tells you everything you need to know about them.
What Happens When You Don’t Have Boundaries
Creating boundaries often feels selfish or uncomfortable at first. But what happens if you don’t create healthy boundaries and protect your peace?
I’ve lived this, so I’m telling you from experience: when you don’t set boundaries, you end up running on empty. You say yes to everything, you overcommit, and then you resent the very people you’re trying to help. You feel taken advantage of because, honestly, you kind of are. But here’s the hard truth: if you don’t protect your own time and energy, no one else will do it for you.
Without boundaries, you end up in relationships where you’re always the one bending, always the one sacrificing, always the one making it work. And over time, that chips away at who you are. Your self-esteem takes a hit because you start believing that your needs don’t matter as much as everyone else’s. Anxiety creeps in because you’re constantly worried about disappointing people. You feel powerless, like life is just happening to you instead of you living it on your own terms.
And burnout? That’s not just being tired. That’s your body and mind shutting down because you’ve given everything away and kept nothing for yourself. It’s not sustainable, and it’s definitely not the way you’re meant to live.
You Have Permission to Protect Your Peace
Just know you are safe. You are okay to say no and you are okay to set boundaries with people who cause harm or drain you dry. We can talk about these things now. It’s not 1985 anymore and it’s okay to let people know, with kind but clear communication, that you have to set limits.
You are worth it. You’ve got this. And you have permission to take up space and live your truth.
Whether you’re navigating an empty nest, starting over, or just trying to figure out what no one talks about when the silence hits after the kids move out, protecting your peace is the foundation for everything else.
I see you, I believe in you, and I’m here if you ever just want to send a message.
If you’re looking for more practical steps on boundary-setting, check out this helpful guide from Women Rise Chicago on 5 Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries. They break down the process in a way that feels doable, even when you’re just starting out. Sometimes it helps to hear it from different voices, and theirs is worth listening to.
